For a second...

I thought t myself that maybe I try too much to not be so lively. And when I noticed this, it died instantly.
Now I'm lifeless and ill. I want to sleep and can't. I want t eat but can't. Days of recklessness and passion lead me to a grave in the snow and I'm lying here. You'll see it under my eyes, and in them. You'll notice something died.

My word

I have to stop using words at all because they feel so empty and useless. It's remarkable how much I'm exactly what I say I'm not.
self centered self pitying self righteous self deprecating self involved self destructive
selfish
and of course I'm many times worse than that. I finally admit it.
I'm a bad person, deep down inside. I'm not good.

Ok. I admit it. It's been a long time coming. I don't need to cry about it, and I sure as hell wont change it.
So, take it me for who I am.

and My Word is honest from now on, in that my word is manipulative and conniving.

And I really think he's the coolest kid I ever met and I mean that too.
And I don't manipulate the cool ones. I can't. I feel rotten enough. I have no value today.
I just wish I had some way of making this all work in my favour and I don't even have the will to stand up.

Why Am I by Kevin Blechdom

Why am I intoxicated by you my friend?
I see your face at night when I close my eyes.
I send my thoughts to you whether you need them or not.
I can't help it, I've tried to get you out of my head and home.
I pretend your stupid, ugly and disturbing.
It doesn't make a difference 'cause if you were I'd think that's cool.

Maybe it doesn't really exist

I've been wondering about intentions. Do people actually want what they claim they want or is there this whole other side to it in which we just can't be honest at all? What's real and what isn't is a massive blur based on what the perpetrator is hiding. So... it's the question of my belief in happiness I suppose.
I'm just really concerned about art. And to further that, I'm concerned that it's existence has really ended now. I feel a little down but it's really normal. There's a constant bargaining between having thoughts and being able to admit you may be the only one having those thoughts. Like this.. I guess.
I watch a short film about "artists" and life like actions, and coming of age and all that jazz that we read in high school. It's easy listening, but do people like these characters exist. So I figure they must because it's hard to create something of thin air and call it a reflection of the world today. Right?
Maybe it's not the end of an era but it's a very very weird time.
And a weird place.

And I think it's time for me to go somewhere else or just sleep longer hours and go veggie and be trendy in a non trendy forum.

Or just go somewhere else. And watch a movie.

Old yet satisfying for my eyes to re-read

Headache Appeal

Blankness in an aching mind

Treachery, treachery, what's the time?

A pulse, a beat

So nervous and neat

The kindness of an empty letter

Like a vowel alone, I, U, A?

Only difference is nothing is personal

Nothing empty at least

Blankness and it still aches

The pulse still goes

Extensively.

Nothing at all though

It's becoming very personal

Or is it still hollow?

An I, I, I…

Followed by a "like you"

Still hollow?

An empty mind never aches

But an empty soul?

No one writes about money or material

Not at face value at least

Oh… wait

"America" does, a little…

This is not a love poem

Nothing must be felt by a reader

Not a word

The cure had a horrible view of love

Pity to them

Anyways, it's sad

CIBC building is the taste of freedom

Free to…

Invest?

Yet are we not free now?

Free to learn and achieve other people's standards

To reach the goals everyone has set

More pain in the mind

A cold caused it though, not the lack of sanity

Everything is so beautiful, when you're happy.

Sara Lawlor

P.S.

My day was all over and my hearts going too far from my chest in beats of unmeasurable time. Enough drama, I'm getting old. On Tuesday I turn 20. Oh I'm fearful.

I got stories

Don't be alarmed but I lied last night. I said I knew the source of my problems but "you" were right, it was just a byproduct.
I've been holding in all my pain for so long because you all think your more important. At least you think your more hurt.
So "you" asked me to tell you about whats happened... you wanted superficial and I said "nothing" because you just wouldn't have really heard me clearly and brushed me away.
so here it is. I've finally cried, for all that crap I held in because I had to be above pain and sorrow. Because I'm your rock, and you would crumble under my heavy heart. So I finally got to cry, and you're going to ask whats wrong, but it's none of your business so just leave it alone.
And I'm the one who needs to just... chill out. I need you all to stop dropping your bullshit problems on me because I forgot that I still exist. I forgot who I was because you made me act like your rock, and I stopped writing, I stopped sleeping, I stopped using my own voice and I told rhetoric... So I'm going to start sleeping with mr. Ginsberg, and I'll stop answering your calls. I'm going to stop caring because I'm about to die. I'm not ready to die. I just want to be a teen for one more month, so stop aging me.
You're not more hurt, or smarter, sadder, prettier, better... and if you think you have bigger problems, just leave me the fuck alone. If you're willing to be a friend, then call me.

It's a grass roots thing...

But my roots are in Ukraine and Russia and Romania. I have ignored that for so long, that my ancestry is half from eastern Europe. Well, it's hard to say I'm Irish and know all about eastern Europe I suppose. But I think I'm going to try and learn something new, not just have polish food. Meatballs and beats are fine and dandy, and in my fridge... but I need substance. And I feel bad being ignorant as fuck. That's my fault, not anyone else's. So yeah... This is a challenge I'm setting for myself.
Heritage, history, tradition...
I know my family left because of prejudice but... I need more to know and hold onto.

What it's for.

Sitting around realizing that it's not loneliness the sound, it's the heart rate fluctuating based on the alertness of my mind. So coffee is brewing, my eyes are tearing and I'm alone. Right, I just said it's not the loneliness but it's hard to change how you see in such few steps.
In case one may have wondered, there is no fire in me. I'm just stirring the milk and sugar in my coffee and yawning. I take time. In morning, and evening... and always. I take time because I guess I have nothing pushing me to rush out the door.
So this is Christmas...

Fuck this...

That's all I really could think all week. Fuck this is stupid. I want to fuck this. Fuck this... And I'm serious. What am I getting at here? My god I'm boring myself half to sleep. I do too much drugs and don't read enough. I'm overly absorbed in material and useless commodities like a new cashmere wool pea coat. Everything I want is always unattainable but why?
It's these promises I keep making to myself. Work out, eat right, no more coke, stop drinking alcohol. I smoke a fucking ton and intoxicate myself 10 minutes later. I drank a bottle of benadryl for fucks sake.
Fuck this. Finally I get it. It's a Saturday at 7 pm. I'll work out a bit, take a nice shower, maybe even walk Butters instead of saying "he's not my dog." I'll be cold under covers and sleep close to the wall. And I'll feel clean and effortless. But I say that while laying on my side thinking about whats on TV.
It's this apathy. Fuck this apathy, before it fucks me.

Long Summer, I prayed for Fall

This is the new self I've been meaning to find.
This autumn will mark a new me.
Starting tomorrow, my priorities will be proper. School, exercising, eating right, etc. It'll be a nice rebirth. I'm in need of a little more relaxation and I'm dedicating fall to me. I've been overly irritable as well, so I'm going to just read more and stress less.
What better time then when the air is cool and the sun is bright?

God forgive

So I'm too serious at times, and I worry far too fucking much. But I don't need to be walking with my cock in my hand. And it's irritating to be the one who's too light hearted. I have a heavy heart and weight on my shoulders, thats just me and how I perceive my responsibilities to others.
Sure one can say that I don't need to take on the woes and sorrows of other people but I don't know how not to. If I offered you my ear I didn't suddenly take it back. If I offered you my shoulder, I didn't dislocate it... But on that note, my left arm is really fucked up, pulled some shit outta place and hit some nerves.
Back to my point, I'm having trouble with everyones tears in my soup, but... I'm still not going to turn anyone away because then my heart sinks and I feel worse with time.

I can't stop.

So yeah, he's in all my fucking thoughts and I really really really like him.
But of course, it doesn't fucking matter what I want, what I like or how I feel, now does it? So I'll just be super pissed about not getting what I want and I'll. I'm out at sea on this. On a fucking raft, twine and twigs. GREAT!
In other news, I'm done like 4 pounds since Sunday. And everyone STOP telling me what I have to do. I'll do as I please, I'm still more responsible than you and I still can be the one in charge, no matter how badly gone you think I am.

And I really want him to get out of my head.

August 21st

"I was a lover before this war."

I think I know what I've been searching for a little better now. Morning stretching, stomach crunches, a cup of coffee with skim milk and raw sugar. It's not my physical health, it's my mental sanity that I want to work on.
I'm now going to dress more and more to my desired image. I cut my hair off last night... again. I'm an artist, why do i have a box of hair on my head? What am I portraying?
So... I need to go shopping soon. You all know my Gareth Pugh/Andrea Crews gothic post modern idealism in fashion. I want to go 1950's meets neo trance.
So... It's a plan, and it will be done. Just tell me, today's not the day.

The best thing yet

Last night was the weirdest point of the passed months strange and almost freaky happenings.
So sure, I'm lusting over someone I barely know at all. And I'm constantly told right and wrong while I'm completely not in the mood. But this was just so strange.
As we were walking down the stairs in Lionel Groulx, my friend sees an old acquaintance and starts to talk to him. His friend, meanwhile, gives me the look of death. His eyes said he wanted to slit my throat. I have never in my life met this young red headed man, so I'm convinced, nor have I ever done anything to merit such a glare. OK, he was about 22 ish i suppose, and good looking enough to live a nice life based on physical appearance. Why would he want to kill me?

OK, moving on. This crush that's overcoming my life currently is really boring me the fuck out. Oh my god, he's tall, skinny, sweet, funny, good taste in hip hop not wigger clothes. I'm so predictable.
But yeah... that's normal I guess.

A few days later

I'm not exactly a changed person. But Things have changed. I diverted my attention from one poor guy to another, which is like not changing at all i suppose.
I don't really want to talk or see anyone any time too soon, unless you are currently in NYC, like some of my hearts desires are.
Oh and my mom comes home tomorrow, and I miss her.
OK so, my point:
I keep looking to be enlightened, but I already am. I'm wasting some mad time on this crusade. The crusade to find love is still on, but weary, mostly because I'm just too lazy and emotionally tired to try.

Remi called me last night from Brooklyn. I adore that psycho.
That's my only update for now.

PS the rest is just that private

I've had it

I don’t want magazines to tell me how to dress anymore. I want to just be myself and walk out of my apartment with a feeling of self satisfaction. So magazines have lost the right to tell me what to do, say, feel. It’s over. Our relationship has ended. I will still buy them though, and read the online blogs and updates. I just have nothing else to do really.

I’d like to thank magazines though, they are entertaining and that’s what I need mostly.

I also would like to say that I’m going to TRY to write hate poetry and offensive stories from now on. It will entertain me and liberate my politically incorrect ideologies.

You always know what’s best for me. You always tell me what I think. I guilt trip you. I guilt trip you. I guilt trip you.

Aging, aging, aging. Time is always aging. Nagging, nagging… nagging at your toes. Trees and elephants and eyebrows. Ever dying mountains and greens. It’s all over for me. For me… oh me.

Morning sickness

So maybe I sleep until 1 p.m. because I have a resent towards the morning now. Or I'm depressed. I rather not think I'm depressed but it's likely. All I can think about is cuddling or hugging or cuddling. It is repetitive, that's why I repeated. It's sad to look at your friends myspace and facebook friends to seek compatibility in a third party. I don't look for signs that people are attracted to me, and they appear out of my imagination(thin air?) but when I do look, it's ridiculous how blind I get. And deaf. Baking cupcakes was fun yesterday.



I have to stop wishing for good things, but it's difficult because we're all raised to think the best is ours and will come to us with little to no effort. And I want to fall in love.

So after making cupcakes, we went to Dane's apt where Roni's living and he made music. It was nice, reminded me how hanging out is so important.







I feel like this. Lonely...

The story of Remi Bowen

Remi left us a while ago for a greater continent, Europe... (oo la la)
and now is losing his mind, but thats not a change i suppose.
Thanks Remi


Story as told by himself-
hopefully this well help you understand last night's message about homo plane.i'm incrediably sorry to anyone on the vincinity of meit's just thatA PITCHER OF LAGER MIXED WITH SPRITE(WHAT?!) AND LIL FRUITSwas like the most beautiful thing my face had seen when my flightwas defferred to your lovely little shamrock last evening.and when irish barman says I LOVE YOUR 90210 SWEATSHIRT(thnx alison)your obliged to be one pitcher more.3 hours later, 2 pitchers of the strongest LAGER THING of my entire life, my new planed was ready with NO POPPING SOUNDS. several tylenol p.ms earlier(going from when my plane was supposed to be DIRECT) and i travel alone, i live alone, and suprisingly my needs are very simple.and i've just realized today is not friday, no one is coming to pick me up.SHIT.

This was my day...

Sometimes fatigue sets in at the most inopportune times. I may be yawning in class, but imagine all the other times you might just find yourself tired.You start to look sad when you're fatigued. So you find yourself having sex or making a sandwich or in my case, in class, looking sad. It is entertaining though.
"Oh yeah! That's the spot... why do you look so sad?"
And there's a strobe light in the depaneur window. Sitting at an "urban cafe" where I can't even afford the coffee... We find ourselves fatigued at after parties all the time but that's almost normal. I quit going to those. Such a waste of fatigue and good sleep time. Extravagance, but not quite.
I'm happy I'm not rich, though I hate being poor. I'd like to one day go to sleep, and wake up with money in my bank account.
And so... Today I got lots of new music, more or less I copied music from Arin Crumley's (http://www.myspace.com/arincrumley) Lastfm.com radio transmission. I'm enjoying it a lot though. August dedicated to me. And a new me with a new play list. (my foot's asleep)
August of my new life: Les Georges Leningrads, Architecture in Helsinki, Tom Vek, Peter Bjorn and John, Sally Shapiro, Blevin Blectum, Feist, Wolf Eyes, Slagmalsklubben, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!, Boy Least Likely To(Arin Crumley), Au Revoir Simone, Belle and Sebastian, Asobi Seksu, The Go! Team, Lo-Fi-FNK, Deerhoof, Sunset Rubdown, Beth Orton, Genders, Spektrum, Coco Rosie, Patrick Wolf, Hood, Animal Collective, Devandra Banhart(Arin Crumley), Neko Case, Les Savy Fav, The Magnetic Fields, Ratatat, Metronomy, Seahorse Liberation Army, Beirut, Cat Power, Scott Matthew, The Dears, Emiliana Torrini, Nicolas Repac, Jay Brannan, and Wolf Parade... thus far.
Then there's this Family from Ontario, and Mikayla is hoping they don't go into the "urban cafe" which has cups made in Chicago. And here passes the gosh darned cutest dog.


And it stopped being about falling in love. It's now about realizing it's valid witthout seeking validation.
It's about the spider sitting next to me. The spider I chose not to kill.

Fatigued, but I don't look sad. I'm happy.

"I don't care if the worlds upside down, if you're lost or I'm found. And I know my feet will stay far from the ground, if you'd stick around with me." - Scott Matthew

Dear August 13th.

Because I've been feeling this way for quite a while I feel I may as well just say it all today and stop waiting. So here we go.
I've been drowning in this constant need for expansion, for a reprise, for more to come out of my head, heart, and soul. I've been needing to find a way to read the sunday times, before Monday. I've been wanting to create a creation thats about creating my new legaqcy. My new legacy needs to be created before that though and I'm lost in this feeling of endless cycles. I want to get outside and do. But do what? I feel tied down by my lack of ambition and energy, tied to my bed posts, which just so happen to not exist at all. So I choose August 13th to be my new day of revival. My easter. I died somewhere along the way and so I sit on my bed writting about my death and my revival and the fact that it's in my head and heart and soul and stomach. And my stomach, I have barely any food, a spoon of peanut butter is not lunch, then again it was breakfast since I only woke up at 12. But all techniqualities aside. I need to get out of bed and re open up. I need to be who I was when something died. I miss who I was when I felt alone in the world. I love my friends but I want to be alone in the crowd for awhile. So I woke up to be inspired, and I was. My medium is a little blurry but, I'm inspired today. August 13th.