It's a grass roots thing...

But my roots are in Ukraine and Russia and Romania. I have ignored that for so long, that my ancestry is half from eastern Europe. Well, it's hard to say I'm Irish and know all about eastern Europe I suppose. But I think I'm going to try and learn something new, not just have polish food. Meatballs and beats are fine and dandy, and in my fridge... but I need substance. And I feel bad being ignorant as fuck. That's my fault, not anyone else's. So yeah... This is a challenge I'm setting for myself.
Heritage, history, tradition...
I know my family left because of prejudice but... I need more to know and hold onto.

What it's for.

Sitting around realizing that it's not loneliness the sound, it's the heart rate fluctuating based on the alertness of my mind. So coffee is brewing, my eyes are tearing and I'm alone. Right, I just said it's not the loneliness but it's hard to change how you see in such few steps.
In case one may have wondered, there is no fire in me. I'm just stirring the milk and sugar in my coffee and yawning. I take time. In morning, and evening... and always. I take time because I guess I have nothing pushing me to rush out the door.
So this is Christmas...

Fuck this...

That's all I really could think all week. Fuck this is stupid. I want to fuck this. Fuck this... And I'm serious. What am I getting at here? My god I'm boring myself half to sleep. I do too much drugs and don't read enough. I'm overly absorbed in material and useless commodities like a new cashmere wool pea coat. Everything I want is always unattainable but why?
It's these promises I keep making to myself. Work out, eat right, no more coke, stop drinking alcohol. I smoke a fucking ton and intoxicate myself 10 minutes later. I drank a bottle of benadryl for fucks sake.
Fuck this. Finally I get it. It's a Saturday at 7 pm. I'll work out a bit, take a nice shower, maybe even walk Butters instead of saying "he's not my dog." I'll be cold under covers and sleep close to the wall. And I'll feel clean and effortless. But I say that while laying on my side thinking about whats on TV.
It's this apathy. Fuck this apathy, before it fucks me.

Long Summer, I prayed for Fall

This is the new self I've been meaning to find.
This autumn will mark a new me.
Starting tomorrow, my priorities will be proper. School, exercising, eating right, etc. It'll be a nice rebirth. I'm in need of a little more relaxation and I'm dedicating fall to me. I've been overly irritable as well, so I'm going to just read more and stress less.
What better time then when the air is cool and the sun is bright?